As it’s getting close to Christmas I thought it might be nice to tell a seasonal story and, also explain how (in a moment of sleep-deprived insanity) I once let Grandad El Paso take you sledging.
Since the moment you were born Grandad has been asking to take you to places. I have resisted on the basis that, as we all know, health and safety is a concept he is wholly unfamiliar with.
I had finally run out of plausible excuses to stop him and in a moment of weakness I did agree to the seemingly small request to take you sledging.
Of course before Grandad arrived I grabbed you, Thing 1, by the lapels of your jacket and sinisterly pleaded into your 7 year-old ear:-
When you recount this part of the story to your therapist later in life I want you to remember that lack of sleep and flu will do funny things to parents, and that I love you both very much.
Amazingly the sledging itself went fabulously and I got both of my children back in one piece afterwards (to be fair, Current-Step-Grandma Liz was on hand to supervise so it wasn’t total insanity to let you go).
The problem occurred about four months later when Grandad made his next visit (because we’re close like that) and that was when he finally let me know what you had said to him that day.
Grandad had decided to bring you back early in an effort to look responsible, or possibly because a more urgent appointment came up, and on the way home he questioned you about how it had gone.
Unfortunately, it seems you MAY have been listening during a few of my less than complimentary conversations about Grandad…
An indignant Grandad explained this to me in front of Current-Step-Grandma-Liz; presumably in the hope that I would somehow exonerate him of the accusation. Unfortunately I was unable to do so because
(a) it was 100% true
(b) I’m still quite bitter about it and
(c) it really serves as extra ammunition in my arguments with him over why he can’t usually have unsupervised access to his Grandchildren.
I had to remind Grandad that what had actually happened was in a bid to impress a random stranger (as Grandad is prone to want to do) he had hired us two incredibly age-inappropriate horror films.
Grandad continued with his own version of reality, which I can only assume is the truth, in the parallel universe he inhabits.
Luckily, he changed the subject at that point and hasn’t brought it up since, so hopefully he’s filed it in that large box in his head labelled “We shall never speak of this again”.
So, if you ever look back and wonder why you only ever went sledging with Grandad El Paso the once, now you know.