Everything in Moderation
Despite regularly chanting “everything in moderation” at you like a wise old Buddha, it will quickly become abundantly clear (from my similarity to a wise old Buddha if nothing else) that I have never followed my own advice for longer than the minute it popped into my head.
I can tell you some basics, like burn off more calories than you take in and you’ll lose weight. It works both ways, take in more calories than you can use and you’ll gain weight.
…Although, if you’re lucky enough to take after Grandma you’ll be able to stuff your face with anything, then drive every single person in the room crazy by announcing how terrible it is to not be able to put on weight “no matter what I do”.
I suppose that’s an important bit of advice, if you’re lucky enough to take after Grandma, do remember not to gloat. Saying “I just can’t put weight on no matter how much I eat” is the equivalent of loudly proclaiming that “I have so much money I can’t get rid of it no matter how much I spend.” It’s not only a problem that most people want, it’s also one they’ll hate you for, immeasurably.
She’s No Renée Zellweger
Also, to an extent Grandma is telling only a partial truth, when she says “no matter how much I eat” or “how much I try”
(a) She rarely eats food with a high fat or sugar content. Yeah, sure, she can put away a roast dinner (eventually, once she’s cut it into one hundred pieces and chased it around her plate for an hour) but it’s not like she’s ever sat down and eaten a box of donuts to herself, even once.
(b) She’s never really “tried” to put on weight – That’s an out-and-out lie. She’s not Renée Zellweger preparing for a role, and she’s not in training to become a boxer either.
Remember the old woman lies sometimes, so before we take her word for it let’s do a controlled experiment at least, where we make her eat only pizza and cream-cakes for a week and see if she still “can’t put on any weight”.
I suppose the most important thing I can tell you about diet is not to get too hung up about it. There are no bad foods, just bad portion sizes. …Actually there are LOADS of bad foods, anything with more than one ingredient that doesn’t sound like food for a start.
OK, so some general guidelines:-
- Drink water when you’re thirsty – hydration is important for health
- Foods made of food are good
- Foods not made of food are usually less good (also applies to drinks)
- You can tell what is food by the way the ingredient list says things like milk or butter
- Vice versa if it says things like Chemicalum Biexplosionate or Arsium Flypoosite
- Smaller portions and exercise will help you lose weight
- Larger portions and no exercise will make you put on weight
- Food is not your enemy, or your friend, it’s just food
Most importantly of all, do as I say and not as I do.